Happy Birthday Doctor Ortiz!

Today I woke up a year older, and excited as the country finally realized that my birthday is a Holiday.

In another light, I am closer to 50 than to 40...WTF!  My daughter told me when I turned 40, that I was a middle age woman, as the life expectancy was about 80 years old. I remembered  being horrified at that thought, but I guess now I need to accept it, and I will do so gracefully.

I could say that age is only a number, but it isn't. Its a collection of experiences, memories, dreams, relationships, suffering, messes,  happiness, and many other things. When we are born we are given an empty imaginary treasure chest, and then we go through life trying to fill it, with the power to  decide what goes in it, so we have to make sure we that we choose wisely.

What a great feeling to be able to have experienced 46 years of life. And boy, I have lived, I have experienced everything that I had set my mind to, every dream I had I  made it a reality, which means I need to develop new ones. I may not have experienced life like others, but I have done it my own way.

The past year has been rough, and I could compare it to a roller coaster ride- thrilling and scary. I experienced wonderful dreams that made me and family proud.  I experienced loses of relationships and friendships, but they were never a waste as they truly had a purpose and impact in my life. I don't regret the lived and shared experiences as they helped me gain insight and life perspective.  I experienced the loss of my father and his loss helped me gain closure. Whatever was important before his death, no longer is. His death put my life into perspective.

On the other hand, my life has been altered by people I have met this past year. I have become to realize that the best is yet to come, and that I have not live yet to my fullest potential.

In the last 7 years I have learned to love my own company, and to explore the complicated labyrinth that is my brain and psyche. This process  helped me made peace with what it was and what it is. I 've gained calmness, happiness and control of my life. My happiness now  is my responsibility and I have adjusted the unrealistic expectations I had from others. I could feel a sense of joy that flows from insight me and at that times its hard to explain, but the feeling is wonderful.

What is the beauty of a 46-year old woman?   I am who I am, and I don't make excuses or apologize for it. There is great beauty in the fact that the need to impress others, gets replaced by the need to impress the self. That the need to apologize for expressing my opinion is unnecessary. Confidence is my sexiest asset. I know my body completely and I have no fear or hesitation to ask for what I  want. I now enter relationships with the intention to give as giving is more filling than receiving.  I have become to realize that relationships are an investment, not of money but of feelings, emotions and actions, and there is no gain without giving. I don't take people for granted and I have no solid expectations for anyone so whatever they chose to give is welcome with gratitude. Challenges are desired and taken without hesitation. The ego has deflated to healthy levels as the older I get the sense of reality replaces it and I realize that I am not as big as I thought I was.  At 46 years old I still have the energy to give anyone a run for their money. I reflect what I want to get. I have divorced the "NO" from the "guilt", and that has allowed me to say "yes" to myself more often. I feel I am in the prime of my life and I have never been happier or healthier.

 I will leave this entry with the following thoughts:
 The world needs...more compassion and love for human life. I believe in...God and His infinite grace and love for humanity. Love is...a healing force, than in many occasions we don't get to experience it's fullest potential and depth because we get stuck in the passion and lust thinking that's all there is. What do I know for sure...that there are no random acts, that we come into this world with a purpose and we need to make sure we figure that out to make our life journey a meaningful one.
 
                                                  Happy birthday to me!!!!!

A story of deceit

Imagine you spend hours sitting in front of a game board playing the game of Life with all you have, and when you think you are close to finish with a big win, your opponent tells you...'sorry the rules of the game have changed and I forgot to tell you, so I just won".

This is deceit at its best, and who hasn't been deceived at some point in their life? If you haven't you may need to check your pulse. :)

How do we feel when we have been deceived?  Besides being angered by it, our human nature is to blame ourselves, and  to take ownership of someone else's actions by saying: "I may have missed some red flags", or " I was naive", or  "he/she didn't mean it", or  "I should have been more alert", or even better "he/she really loved me and was afraid to lose me".  

 Who is the winner? Who is the loser? 

This is a catch 22 type deal, not sure if there is a loser-winner relationship, but there is a lot to lose and even more to gain. You will never know with certainty what goes on in the head of a person who is being delusive, because they will never tell you. Based on my work experience I see that most people that are deceptive have been doing this for years, and this has become a coping mechanism. This is their armor to protect a frail ego. They are terrified of being vulnerable, of being judged, of not being liked. Does that justifies their behavior? Not really, but this is learned behavior and at some point we may have contributed to this behavior conditioning. Think for a moment when you tell a story and the recipient has an negative overt reaction with theatrical body language. What will happen next time? Will you speak your truth as freely? Probably not, as their reaction will condition and mold your next step.

Lies are painful, and they leave deep wounds, but they say more about the liar than about the recipient. Liars are prisoners, perhaps of an image they want to keep or a story they want to continue playing. Sometimes their lies have been their truth for years, so they have become their new reality. That must be a big load to carry. What a burden must be to pretend and pretend to be someone that you are not, and never show your true character because you are so busy playing a role. To me that's an assault on the self, more than on the opponent. 

Being the deceived I still consider myself a winner, because not knowing the end result I played like I was going to win. If you go on the arena and fight, you are already a winner because fear didn't get the best of you. 

There is a lot to learn about a situation like this one. If we let go of the anger of the moment and think clearly we could take the lesson that we were meant to learn...don't be afraid to be yourself, play like there is a winning chance, don't allow fear to choose your path and feel compassion for your opponent as behind every deceiver there is a story, and there is fear.  Always treat others like you want to be treated, no matter if they change the rules on you.  Sometimes you have to lose to gain.

 

August Photo Challenge #EmbraceBeauty

Since my computer died, it was very hard for me to publish the pictures to complete my August photo challenge on a timely manner, but since that was my goal I still owe it to myself to complete it.  Here are the days I missed and I hope you enjoy the pictures as behind every picture there is a story. 

Day 13 Bright: Nothing more beautiful than the brightness of the colors of my garden.

Day 17: A is for admirable: My brothers are one of my best gifts, they are an example of perseverance, love, and responsibility. 

Day 18 Messy: Nothing like a messy Christmas morning. I love "these messes" as they usually happen after a happy feeling.

Day 19 Books: last December my son made me a "Christmas tree" out of my favorite books. Just lovely.

Day 20 Ready: ...to conquer the world.

Day 21 summer: I am not an ice cream person, but summer means I will have a cone of mint chocolate chip ice cream. Its my summer ritual. 

2014

2013

Day 22 Evening: seeing the kids enjoying themselves during our vacation was priceless. AJ was the bomb playing Settlers of Catan. 

Day 23 Friends:  two of my favorite people. Great friends, even when we get side tracked by life, we are never too far apart. 

Day 24 sunset: nice view from the parking lot of my work. Only saw it once, looking forward to see it again soon. 

Day 25 Nature:  this picture was taken near the Canadian border in Maine

Day 26 Quiet: my vacation ritual. A cup of coffee in solitude, just with the sound of my thoughts.

Day 27 embrace: nothing like holding your children close. My kids are the best part of me. 

Day 28 Sweet: I still remember the happiness and the sweet spark on his eyes when he fell in love with Meeko, his first cat. Bittersweet as he passed away 1 month after adoption from unknown causes. He will always be remembered. 

Day 29 Lovely:  no need for words

Day 30 outside: Wilson Pond in Maine 

Day 31 Favorite seat: one of my favorite seats is in my office doing what I love to do.

Leaving a mark

I visited memory lane recently as I came across some pictures from the mass blessing my nursing degree and the graduating class of December 1991. I am not Catholic, but I was blessed with a great education at the Pontifical Catholic University of Puerto Rico in where I obtained my undergraduate nursing degree.

Those pictures triggered wonderful memories of all the people I encountered in the school that touched me and left a profound mark. I realized I never had the chance to thank them. Many of their names were lost in the imperfect labyrinth of my memory, but their legacy was indelibly imprinted in my life.

I remember a special priest that taught the anatomy and physiology class. He belonged to an order who declared a vow of poverty. He always had holes on his pants and his shirts, and his shoes were worn until the sole fell apart. He was from Spain and we had become his adoptive family. Despite his appearance the clarity of his soul peak through, and I was able to be touched by its richness. He taught me that they were so many things that a degree wasn't going to provide me, and that I needed to stay grounded so I did what was right despite the sacrifices and the circumstances. I learned from him that de-cluttering your life from the useless made room for the useful. I was only 19 when I met him and never forgot him.

On the other hand I had a nursing professor that was as challenging as could be. She taught the medical- surgical course part 1 and 2. She made the easiest things difficult. At times I felt like she was displacing her frustration at us, and we were paying for whoever hurt her before. I guess I was a psych nurse from the get go. :)  She gave me unnecessary stress, and that became my motivation to prove to her that I had what was necessary to become a great nurse. Trying to survive the extensive amount of reading from an English nursing book, I developed a discipline of study that has helped throughout my life, and developed coping skills that at times surprise me, and I have to thank Ms. Maldonado for that.

During my psych rotation I met another nursing professor - Ms. Montalvo - who was as calm as a summer breeze, even in the worse circumstances. She was a quiet woman, but her behavior spoke loud and clear. From her I learned to trust my instincts and abilities, not to second guessed what I thought was right and to learn to stand by my beliefs. She told me once..."you are a natural...you should consider a career in mental health." I am glad she help me find my true calling, by teaching me the beauty of working with these population even in the worse circumstances. 

One time I was talking to my friend Sylvia, and she said: "what's the point of passing by if you don't leave a mark?" ...and she was absolutely right. I constantly ask myself: what is the mark that I am leaving? ...in my children? ...in my work? ...in my community? ...in my personal life? How will people remember when I am not around?

I just hope that I am leaving a positive mark. I love others to remember me by my love for life, my positive attitude, my love for education, and my idea that there is good in all humans. Also by my belief that nothing comes easy, but the most difficult things in life are the most rewarding ones, that you can't stop giving because others think  your gift isn't good enough, that it's worth fighting for your dreams because they do come true, that you have to love yourself to believe that you deserve goodness and lastly by my faith and how I honor the Superior Being because without Him nothing is possible....

During our mass the priest read a quote from St. Francis of Assisi that said "Preach the gospel at all times and when necessary use words."

Let's lead by example, as our behavior is louder than our words. We may never know the extent of the souls we touched,  and the impact we may unraveled  with our actions, but the effort its worth it. Let's do what's right and pretty soon you will realize that others will follow.  

Menopause

This morning my daughter walked into my bedroom and horrified she asked: "did you go to bed like that?" I immediately responded, 'oh no, never, I just put this on because it was too cold". BS...I had to lie. I had broken my own bedroom rules. I had gone to bed in flannel pajamas-and they didn't even match-, those you wear when you want to kill the passion in the bedroom or scare your partner shitless so he wouldn't dare to touch all night. Before this hit me, I used to go to bed just like if someone was waiting for me...but not lately.

I have been behaving different and I think it's because MENOPAUSE  is trying to peak into my life. Its coming in like thief in the middle of the night...uninvited and unwelcome.

The first sign was a very late period, that it could have been confused with a "pregnancy scare", but my sex life is actually more scary than a late period. So nothing to worry about. There is only one Virgin Mary.

Also, I have these emotional roller coasters, that are freaking me out. Some days I cry because the wind is blowing north instead of south, others I get angry at the thought that something bad may happen, but since it hasn't happened I feel like crying because of that too. I have a job in which I am expected to go into my office with my "A" game, but some days I feel like I should go into my colleague's office for a therapy session between my sessions. Hopefully my colleague isn't in menopause too. 

I am so exhausted most of the time that I end up going to bed at 9:30pm, or even at 7:30pm like a true senior citizen. Some days I make coffee to stay awake longer and fall asleep before I could drink it, and when I drink it, doesn't work. At times it feels like the coffee grounds I buy contain Ambien instead of caffeine. What's going on? That used to be an infallible method. 

Last week as I was getting ready to go to work and I felt so hot, and not the hotness that makes you feel divalicious, but the one in which your body temperature rises like if you were at the end of a hot yoga session. I left to work without a coat and it didn't bothered me until I got out of the car to go in the office. It was 35 degrees. By that time the hotness didn't feel so hot anymore, and of course I wanted to cry because of that. 

I have to interview the women in my family to see how long this lasts. Maybe they have a secret, I never saw them struggling...maybe they faked it. They always looked so good, and so happy, and their husbands were happy, or maybe they were afraid of the so call menopausal rage.

In a serious note, this is a normal life process and I am trying to make the journey as enjoyable as possible. Bear with me if I behave out of character as I now have something to blame. :) 

Silence

Silence...sometimes wanted and others hated.

When I was a kid I used to hear my mom saying "interpreta mi silencio" (interpret my silence), and with my naive child mind I used to think: 'what does she mean with that? what's there to know about silence? Silence is just that...blah'. I was so wrong!

Most of us see silence like I did when I was a kid...a void that's waiting to be filled. For some, silence is that awkward space they furiously avoid to enter. For others, silence is just lack of sound, a respite to the hearing sense....but it could be so much more than that. Silence shouldn't be seen as a void or empty space, silence is powerful, and it should be compared with stillness. What happened when we are still? ...our senses get heightened and we may experience sensations never experienced before, we may hear what we didn't hear before. 

Since I started practicing as a mental health practitioner I realized the power that silence gives me and have learned to use it as a powerful tool. I have noticed that I get my best answers when I am not asking questions, when I am dressed in the quietness of the moment. Silence unlike questions has no boundaries, and allow others to express what they are thinking or feeling without limits. We just need to allow others to interpret our silence as symbolic of opening the gates, of granting permission, of offering free range. When we are quiet we empower others to take control and lead the conversation. It's also empowering to the quiet one as this will allow for great discoveries of self, life and others.

We cannot forget that silence could be an answer on its own, that answer that we refused to hear, or accept. Like my mom used to say, we just need to interpret the silence.

 We may look smart and intellectual asking our fancy questions, but how can we get the answers we look for if the space is busy and filled with our own words? Make silence your alli, you may discover that silence isn't that quiet after all.

My grandfather Joaquin Vazquez Garay

On February 6th 1994 my grandfather passed away due to heart disease that for years debilitated his body. I remember before I left Puerto Rico in January 1993, he hugged me like he was losing a treasure and neither of us wanted to break free. His words at that moment still haunt me, because he said "creo que no voy a volver a verte" (I feel I will never see you again) and we never did. That moment in that marquesina became our last and I can still feel the warmth of his arms around me and I wish I had hold him a little longer.

I remember promising him that my first son will carry his name because he was that special to me. I was so happy when my son was born after having three daughters. I fulfilled that promise, but sad that he was not alive to see it. I hope my son could grow to be close to the kind of man that my grandfather was. 

My grandfather and I weren't related genetically but by a stronger bond. For me he was my dad. He was there for me since I have memory, he allowed me to chase him around the yard because I was so curious, and he never mind my multiple silly questions. He was always so proud of me. He was there on my graduation from nursing school and he walked me down the aisle when I married. I still remember the wonderful wood house he built me for my 6th grade school project, or the time he allowed me to interview him for school because I thought he was one of the coolest people I knew and that was an understatement. 

Today, I went back to read the letters we exchanged and that I have kept like the treasure they are. He couldn't write much because he spend most of his last year in and out of the hospital, but when he did his message was powerful. He always sent me passages from the Bible especially the Proverbs to help me find my way to live a fruitful life. His last letter to me was dated January 26, 1994, eleven days before he passed away. In this letter he wanted to give me a last message because he didn't know if he was going to have much more time left or if God had other plans. His message was one of hope that I was to teach my daughter Stephanie so she could live a a productive life, for me to lead by example and be wise, as a wise woman was the foundation of a healthy home, and to trust that God answers always come at the right time. 

I don't want to remember my grandaddy based on the day that he passed but on the 25+ years I enjoyed him. My childhood was beautiful because he was part of it and I will never let go of his teachings and the memories we shared together. I learned how it felt to have a father through him, and what a real man was because of his example. My three younger kids never got to enjoy him, but they certainly know who he was because his presence in my life was so important that I want them to know. My kids will have enjoyed him so much, but I guess God had other plans.

The tears this morning are of sorrow because I wish we have had more time, but I am grateful that I had him in my life and couldn't imagined my childhood without his strong example. I hope he will be proud of the way I have chosen to live my life and raise my children. He will forever be the best man in my life. I will love you forever and our bond is eternal so your departure didn't break it. 

My grandfather and me, at my wedding... July 1988.

This is the second Joaquin in my life. A gift from God.

Racism in the workplace

Today, I went through an experience that I want to share as it is a taboo topic in our society. This incident affected the flow of my day, and I will love to hear how other professionals will deal with the issue. The issue at hand is racism in the work place. In many occasions this topic is avoided, and when spoken it's so superficially that not even the surface is scratched. The topics of race and racism have become the giant pink elephant in the room. 

I am extremely proud of my heritage. My country is no different than any other country in terms of current issues like poverty, crime, job situation,etc. I have embraced the good, the bad and the ugly. All my qualities make me who I am. My ancestry have helped formed my personality. 

Today, for the second time within the last year I experienced racism from one of my patients. I can't disclose any details of the event nor what was said because of my strong work ethics, and because the details  don't change the result nor the impact this caused. The first time was almost a year ago, and I was shocked as it was the first. I had experienced racism before but not from patients, and it was usually in a covered manner, but this time it was openly. I will never allow any racial aggression to pass without being addressed, and I did address this incident at the moment it happened.  Perhaps was an educational moment for the patient and a humbling experience for myself. 

Today, for some strange reason the incident impacted me in a different way.  I was angry at the comment, and because of that I chose not to address it until the next session. I needed to sort through my feelings...feelings not of inadequacy but of defiance, anger, frustration, and disgust. I understood the power of self control. I thought of others, and how their anger took over and controlled their behavior and that only perpetuated the existing stereotypes. It's so frustrating to be judged not on the qualities of my character but on the superficiality of my appearance, on the sound of my last name, or based on what's seen in the local news. I am angry that someone thought my heritage is a character flaw. For me my ethnic heritage is the foundation of my being, and I was blessed to be born in an island that is so precious. 

Who gives some people the right to think that they are above other groups? What makes them believe that their worth is greater?  Is it their pale skin? Their blue eyes? Their English last name? Who give them the right to make a negative comments towards other groups, and place another human at a lower level? What makes them believe that racism is ok? Some people with a finite mind have never lose the arrogance and thoughts of supremacy that brought so much pain and disgrace to this country. Shame on you!  I never used the word victim, as I feel that the victim is the person who has has the rigid mind that doesn't allow them to accept that the demographic landscape of the country has been changing for centuries. 

 I will continue to be proud of who I am, and of the diversity within my family. I will not generalize or judge a group for the comments and attitudes of a few, but I will never shy away from confronting someone that thinks that life have give them the right to judge me. Racism has no justification, and ignorance isn't an excuse. Minorities in this country have suffered for hundreds of years and the impact of racism is known across the board. 

We are more than the color of our skin, than the curls in our hair, than the musicality of our accents. Our idiosyncrasies are not flaws, but they add color to the rainbow of cultures that make this wonderful country the wonderful place it is.