Today I woke up a year older, and excited as the country finally realized that my birthday is a Holiday.
In another light, I am closer to 50 than to 40...WTF! My daughter told me when I turned 40, that I was a middle age woman, as the life expectancy was about 80 years old. I remembered being horrified at that thought, but I guess now I need to accept it, and I will do so gracefully.
I could say that age is only a number, but it isn't. Its a collection of experiences, memories, dreams, relationships, suffering, messes, happiness, and many other things. When we are born we are given an empty imaginary treasure chest, and then we go through life trying to fill it, with the power to decide what goes in it, so we have to make sure we that we choose wisely.
What a great feeling to be able to have experienced 46 years of life. And boy, I have lived, I have experienced everything that I had set my mind to, every dream I had I made it a reality, which means I need to develop new ones. I may not have experienced life like others, but I have done it my own way.
The past year has been rough, and I could compare it to a roller coaster ride- thrilling and scary. I experienced wonderful dreams that made me and family proud. I experienced loses of relationships and friendships, but they were never a waste as they truly had a purpose and impact in my life. I don't regret the lived and shared experiences as they helped me gain insight and life perspective. I experienced the loss of my father and his loss helped me gain closure. Whatever was important before his death, no longer is. His death put my life into perspective.
On the other hand, my life has been altered by people I have met this past year. I have become to realize that the best is yet to come, and that I have not live yet to my fullest potential.
In the last 7 years I have learned to love my own company, and to explore the complicated labyrinth that is my brain and psyche. This process helped me made peace with what it was and what it is. I 've gained calmness, happiness and control of my life. My happiness now is my responsibility and I have adjusted the unrealistic expectations I had from others. I could feel a sense of joy that flows from insight me and at that times its hard to explain, but the feeling is wonderful.
What is the beauty of a 46-year old woman? I am who I am, and I don't make excuses or apologize for it. There is great beauty in the fact that the need to impress others, gets replaced by the need to impress the self. That the need to apologize for expressing my opinion is unnecessary. Confidence is my sexiest asset. I know my body completely and I have no fear or hesitation to ask for what I want. I now enter relationships with the intention to give as giving is more filling than receiving. I have become to realize that relationships are an investment, not of money but of feelings, emotions and actions, and there is no gain without giving. I don't take people for granted and I have no solid expectations for anyone so whatever they chose to give is welcome with gratitude. Challenges are desired and taken without hesitation. The ego has deflated to healthy levels as the older I get the sense of reality replaces it and I realize that I am not as big as I thought I was. At 46 years old I still have the energy to give anyone a run for their money. I reflect what I want to get. I have divorced the "NO" from the "guilt", and that has allowed me to say "yes" to myself more often. I feel I am in the prime of my life and I have never been happier or healthier.
I will leave this entry with the following thoughts:
The world needs...more compassion and love for human life. I believe in...God and His infinite grace and love for humanity. Love is...a healing force, than in many occasions we don't get to experience it's fullest potential and depth because we get stuck in the passion and lust thinking that's all there is. What do I know for sure...that there are no random acts, that we come into this world with a purpose and we need to make sure we figure that out to make our life journey a meaningful one.
Happy birthday to me!!!!!
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