A letter to my children

 

                                                                   

             I have been blessed with a fertile and healthy reproductive system, something many women struggle with. I have experienced the magical process of becoming a mother not once but 4 times. Every pregnancy has been so different and beautiful in their own way, and today on Mother’s Day I want to tell you the story of how you came into the world. Stephanie, Hazel, Kiara, and Armando Joaquin you were all planned, expected, and welcomed with love and great anticipation.   

Oh Stephanie, it seems like it was yesterday that I was studying for my final exams, and I started having contractions. You were getting ready, and I was about to lose those extra brain cells I needed to memorize the multitude of protozoa, algae, fungi, archaea, viruses, and bacteria for my microbiology exam. That was a serious problem. My second thought when the pain started was, I better eat because they are probably not giving me any food for a while.  I ate enough food for a kindergarten class.

I waited and waited until your uncle – Dr. Hector Rene Aponte Rivera -recommended us to go to the hospital. He was going to deliver you. When I arrived at the hospital, I was placed next to a woman that was screaming like she knew something I did not. Of course, she had to tell me, “you don’t know how bad this is going to get”. At that time in Puerto Rico, they did not allow family to be in the room with me, not even my husband, so it was me and this crazy woman that had the urge to keep talking about the horrors of labor. She also kept screaming like the woman in the shower scene of the Alfred Hitchcock movie Psycho, very suitable name for her too. She scared me so much that I was like in a state of shock, or maybe was all the Demerol I got. I was happy when she was finally taken away. Soon after she left all the food I ate came out. The Demerol gave me the worse episode of vomiting. The doctor broke the amniotic sac to see if that cause any progress, as 12 hrs. later I was only 1cm dilated. Sadly, my labor process did not progress and 24 hrs. later, I had a cesarean section as you were in mild distress. I do not think I was that sad with the C-section as I was scared to feel what that woman was experiencing.

The horror continued when I woke up from anesthesia and they bring me a baby girl when I thought I was expecting a boy. I told the nurse, that is not my baby, and she only said: “yes sweetie this is your baby, you had a girl”. I am surprised they did not call a psychiatrist, because I must have looked a little off.  After the shock pass, I fell in love with you, my perfect baby girl. Stephanie your birth weight was 7 lbs. and 14 ounces.  I was 21 years old, and of course I thought I knew a lot about parenting but soon realized that I did not know a thing that was useful for you. I was blessed to have mom and mama Milla rescuing me from the situation I was into. I am sure you were happy as well.

I divorced and remarried and 5 years later I got pregnant again. During the pregnancy I ate for 2, and I do not recommend that. I was happy and Stephanie you were so excited about having a baby sister. Pregnancy was great and I never had any issues except for an excessive number of ultrasounds that kept track of the baby size against my pelvic measurements because of the previous C-section. I went into labor a week early and just a day after moving to a new apartment. You could only imagine the mess I had, but it was blessing that I left all to your dad. When I arrived at the hospital, I was informed that my regular doctor was on vacation and I had a wonderful covering physician. This physician did not look so wonderful after he said that he did not believe in pain management and that he was all about natural birth. What the fuck! I was immediately aware that I was screwed. I was attempting a vaginal birth after a C-section, so this was all new to me. I had never had to push a child out of me before. The pain that I experienced made me understand the behavior of the woman I met in that hospital in Puerto Rico, and I probably looked as psycho as she did. Hazel I was surprised I was not arrested after you came out, because I assaulted several people. Not my finest moment. Hazel you were a gorgeous baby, and even though I was dreaming to have a 5 pounder, your birth weight was 9 lbs.  An overachiever if you ask me. Stephanie you were not happy that the baby was not ready to play like you expected. It must have felt like the doll that comes without batteries, cute but not functional. Hazel you were an easy baby, but you kept the eating schedule I had when you were in my belly. You kept waking up to feed in the middle of the night until you were 8 months. That was torturous!

 

 Two years later I was pregnant with you Kiara. Just after I have lost the weight I gained for Hazel’s pregnancy. This pregnancy was good except for an obsession I developed for working out, complicated with an aversion to any meat products. I only gained 17 lbs. during this pregnancy which the doctor was a little concerned about.  When I started having contractions I was at work and was able to complete my 8-hr. shift at the Greater Lawrence Family Health Center. I thought, if she decides to come out, I am surrounded by great doctors and residents looking to gain experience. When I left work, I decided to go to the store to get some stuff I was missing. What an adventure! I went home shaved my legs and all. I felt like a pro. At 7 pm I tell your dad that it was time to go as the contractions were closer, even though they did not feel as strong. Kiara you were nice from the get-go.  An hour later you were born. Since when I got to the hospital, I was almost fully dilated there was no need or time for my friend epidural. Glad I made on time, that was a close call. Your birth weight was 7.5 lbs., and you were as cute as they come. I left the hospital wearing my pre-pregnancy jeans. I cannot believe that I am heavier now than on the day I delivered you. I learned that eating for 2 was not the best choice in the past. Hazel was thrilled with having a baby sister and I was scared to have a 7-year-old, a 2-year-old, and a baby.

Time passed and 5 years later I am pregnant again. I was 35, meaning “on the older side” to have babies and for this reason my pregnancy was considered a higher risk than the other ones. Soon I started bleeding and I thought the pregnancy was going to be lost, like two pregnancies that I lost in years prior. I needed to drop my classes at UMass because I needed to be on bed rest for some time. When my AFP was tested, they sent me to a genetic specialist, which is never a good thing. I was told you may come with Down Syndrome and they needed to perform other tests. I was already aware that I was having a boy and because of the risk the tests carried I refused to have them. I was working at HFH psych ward with a group that was so supportive of me. They helped me forget the possible outcome and I was able to focus on the boy that I always wanted. I was probably a safety hazard, more than anything else but the unit "bodyguard" Jimmy always kept me safe. At 7 months of pregnancy, I decided to switch doctors as my current OB-GYN was being an SOB and was "distraught" with my decision to keep the pregnancy. The moment she told me “I have seen many women like you that later end up in the welfare system unable to carry for the child and work”, our relationship was beyond repair. After the fleeting homicidal thought passed, I confronted her as I felt her comment was based on racial profiling and told her that I refused to continue working with her. I wanted to enjoy my pregnancy and her job was not to push an agenda, but to allow me to make an informed decision. My new doctor was a gem and a joy to work with. I left work a few weeks before my due date because I wanted to have a break before the baby arrive.  I was going to be alone as everyone was in school. To my surprise I was induced 3 days later, so there goes my vacation. The doctor thought you were  “too big” and she  needed to get you out pronto. I thank God that my English was better now, and I knew how to ask for drugs. I was being induced. I got to the hospital at 7am with the attitude that this was going to be a piece of cake. They connected me to an IV of Pitocin and I thought they allowed the devil to enter my system at that moment.  I have never experienced that level of pain. I thought I experienced pain for Hazel, but I can say AJ you were a bigger pain. I immediately asked to meet with the anesthesiologist to discuss the plan for pain management. I needed to be proactive. The Pitocin needed to be stopped (thank God) because my blood pressure was too elevated, and they decided to allow labor to progress naturally.  Ten hours later AJ was unable to find the exit, I know this was a window into the future because he still pretty laid back about everything.  The first epidural was fading, and I needed a second talk with the anesthesiologist.  He told me that my insurance will not cover more analgesia. AJ, I looked at your dad and he immediately agreed to pay for it. He was probably scared for his safety. I was in pain and hungry, not a good combination.  So, I received a second dose of the epidural juice for only $1600. Almost 13 hours later AJ showed up and he was welcome by several doctors including Dr. Folch who looked at him and said, “he is fine”. He was born healthy, and his birth weight was 10 lbs. Another overachiever. After I was sent home, I had a hemorrhage and was placed on drugs to prevent more blood loss. It was time to stop having babies.

Guys, despite all the struggles it was a blessing to have you just to myself for the 9 months that I hosted you inside me. I will do it all over again without hesitation. Stephanie, Hazel, Kiara, and AJ you are the highlight of my life and everything I have done in life since I became a mother, I have done it thinking of you. I can see now that all my tears, and love sacrifices were not in vain because I could not have asked for more loving, respectful, supportive, and kind children.  I have learned so much from you, and I hope that you have learned from me as well. As I get older, I cherish you even more.  

Follow you heart, and do not follow the path I did, create your own. It will be more fun and rewarding! I hope that if some day you decide to have children you are better parents than I was. Tears come to my eyes as I get overjoyed with so many memories. Time passed too fast. I’ve never been the lovey dovey mom, but I hope that you felt and feel my love the way I know how to show it, with actions. I did not know the depth of love until I met you.

Glad God chose me to be your mom.

Happy Mother’s to US!  

 

Lessons from the river

 

 

         I have been on a pity party since October, when my relationship with my boyfriend of 4 ½ years ended just a day before my birthday; making it more memorable. My attention was redirected on January 1, 2021 when my Facebook friend Jessica Jorge Watters posted a message on her wall that sparked my curiosity.  I made that question my task of the day, and I started to search within my soul for the answer to the question she posted. Her comment was “…2020 was the year of learning. 2021 is the year of living. The path is fresh. How are you choosing to show up? How do you choose to live the lessons you learned last year”?  That was deep, and for deep thinkers like me that question was like a fire for my soul.

               I always believe that nature is my healing force and that is why I love to go away and be engulfed in its power. I usually learn from nature and I also feel that God speaks to me through it. My backyard faces the Merrimack river and before the pandemic I did not spend much time there unless I had party or friends over. I have also been much more attune to the river in the last 9 months than I ever was before. When the pandemic started, and the doggie day care was closed, my routine changed, and I made an effort to walk the dogs alongside its banks 2-4 times a day. I never noticed how beautiful the river truly is and how different it was every day. I have learned so much from this unexpected teacher and I wanted to share 20 of the lessons that I have learned from it.

         My apologies if I attach human emotions or qualities to the river as those are the only ones I know. For this entry, the river will be female, as it reflects the qualities of empowered and strong women. The language of the river is much easier to understand than I thought, and I just needed to pay attention.

               The river…

1)     Always flows towards her goal, not to the left or to the right just ahead.

2)     She is not stopped by any obstacles in her path. I have seen her going around and over rocks, branches, and anything that chooses to cross her path.

3)     Is unapologetic when she slows down or is in a rush.

4)     Gives life to others.

5)     Gives more than it takes.

6)     Adjust to her surroundings without changing course, goals, or losing her purpose.

7)     Allows the Creator to lead and guide her journey.

8)     Is always present, day and night, summer or winter, rain, or snow. Nothing prevents her from showing up.

9)     Does not stop to complaint or ask for explanations when mankind deviates her path. She just goes along following her purpose.

10)  Is focused and does not get distracted.

11)  Is in constant motion.

12)  Rejoices in the rain and seems to swell with joy understanding the purpose and need of the rain.

13)  Serves as a mirror to whoever looks in.

14)  Is a great listener and never interrupts.

15)  Loves to travel and recognizes the beauty in it.

16)  Renews herself constantly, as the river you see in the morning is not the same you see at night.

17)  Never leaves a journey incomplete. Always finishes what she starts.

18)  Is patient and is aware that fast or slow she will always reach her destiny.

19)  Leaves a mark wherever she touches.

20)  Does not feel the need to explain her existence. She just exists!

I am looking forward to this year and to put into practice the lessons learned. Life is beautiful and I am going to start by focusing on my goals and flow towards them, unapologetically and without distractions. I am choosing to count my blessings and not my loses and just like the river, I am going to rejoice in the rain.

The forgotten impact of COVID-19

     I have been working from home since March 17 due to the COVID-19 pandemic. At the beginning, I did not know what to expect from the changes, as working from home is foreign to me. Transition of the physical office and equipment was seamless. My transition has not been as easy.  It’s been hard to develop a structure to the day. Caring for my two dogs and their needs started to distract me and impact the flow of my work. The workdays became longer. They started earlier and ended close to bedtime. Work started to pile up, voice mails were unanswered, notes undone, phone calls missed, and stress levels started to pile up like trash in a landfill. Just like trash in the landfill, stress was not breaking down just getting stored.

     The social distancing became isolation, as I was apart from the other professionals in the office, my professional network. Even though we all carry a different load and unrelated roles, it’s comforting to leave the office and talk to someone about topics that help you connect with others. These moments gave me time to debrief and empty my cup a bit so I can handle the rest of the day. Sometimes these conversations gave me a different perspective and even grounded me. When do I debrief now? With whom do I bounce ideas? When do I take a break?

     The crisis calls started to increase and soon after the already packed schedules started to get worse and I started working a 12+hr days. Calls were coming in at any time of the day, evening, or weekends. The stories were dark and gloom. Parents unable to handle home schooling, because of their limited literacy or English proficiency, or even because they did not have internet at home. Marriages were hitting the breaking point or becoming trapped by domestic violence and emotional abuse. People were afraid of losing their housing. People concerned about where their next meal was coming from. Single mothers trying to work from home while caring for small children. Alcoholics fearful to relapse because their meetings were shut down. Patient's symptoms worsening because the day programs that provided needed daily structure and social network were closed. People fearful of dying alone because they do not have anyone or grieving the death of a loved one from COVID-19. People breaking down because of fear and loss.

     As the weeks went by, I felt powerless. The drugs I managed were no match for this level of assault. This virus not only attacked our lungs, and body systems but also our mental health, our sense of safety, our job security, our freedoms, and our relationships to say the least. It just hijacked our hope and plans, and it awakened the monster of grief.

     The work I loved became taxing, and I needed to do something to manage the impact of the stress to not allow it to fester and implode. As good mental health provider I am strong believer of self-care and I have a high level awareness on the impact of neglecting this important tool. So, I just started crafting. On the first 2 weeks I made about 30 greeting cards. It was cathartic. Soon after someone told me, "if you didn't craft so much you will not be as behind in your work". Perhaps some truth to that statement, but crafting is not just a waste of time, or just turning trash into treasure or making greetings cards. Crafting is my lifesaver in turbulent waters. It is the tool I chose to cope.  It allows my brain to shift from what I cannot control to what I can. It allows me to deal with problems of lesser importance, like what color to choose, or what paper, textures, shapes, etc. It allows me to channel negative, toxic energy into something positive that tells a story. Crafting trigger endorphins that make feel good and allows me to decrease the allostatic load to a lower level.

None of us is exempt from the impact of this pandemic in one way or another. I encourage you all to do a daily self-assessment or your stress levels, allow yourself to be in solitude so you can reflect and assess course. Go in your toolkit of coping techniques and make use of what you have. You are important! COVID-19 could be even more devastating than already is. As you continue to protect yourself physically, do not neglect your mental health in this crisis.

There are no Random Acts

I have never talked openly about my near death experience, but after 34 years  I am ready.

On the summer of 1983 - 84 I was invited to spend a day at the river with my childhood friend Sylvia and her family. I was excited, but the morning of the day trip I had a feeling of doom and lost all desire to go, but despite that I wanted to spend time with my friend so I went. I remember the day was beautiful, sunny with clear blue skies. Just magical, like most summer days in the tropics.

We got to the river and the water was inviting but I wasn't planning to go in as I didn't swim. Not many people in the area despite the nice weather, perhaps because it was early.  My friend's family decided to set camp near a beautiful swimming hole that looked like a natural pool.

I was happy to be there as I love my friend and her family. They were and are family to me. Our bond was solidified on that day.

When I got there I didn't know that day will change my life forever.

My friend and I started walking around the pool of water. The water was so clear that we were able to see the rocky bottom, which looked very close to the surface. We were not dumb, so we tested the depth with sticks and when we couldn't touch bottom we realized it was deeper than we first thought. I remember us giggling and laughing when suddenly the rocks we were walking on dislodged and we both fell in the water. 

My friend Sylvia was able to reach the shore but I couldn't. I panicked and frantically tried to stay above water.

I was able to see people trying to rescue me, yelling to get my attention. They were panicking as much as I was.

I fought with all I had. I am not sure how long was the battle, but certainly felt eternal. My short life passed in front of my eyes. I saw my mom, my brothers, my grandparents...and suddenly I surrendered. The panic I felt was replaced by a feeling of peace and stillness... and I let go. I saw myself floating in the river, barely under the surface of that beautiful natural pool of clear water. I saw my friend and her family crying, her father never stopped trying to rescue me.

I started a journey, and went through a tunnel which had a bright light at the end. The tunnel was dark and that made the light at the end seem much brighter and desirable. As I was getting closer to the end I felt a force that pulled me back and I re-entered my body. I was flat on my back on a bed of rocks.

I woke up looking up at someone helping me breathe again. My memory is blurry here. I coughed up so much water, then I fell in a daze. I remember a man that helped my friend's father pulled me out. That man said the pool of water was about 6-8 feet deep. He went back in to grab my shoes. I remember him saying "he was compelled to stop while traveling to a different location".

I never got close to a river again until 2003 when I move to my home which sits on the banks of the Merrimack river, and I didn't go in the water until my first kayak trip in 2012. I struggle for years and couldn't even see my children near any body of water as that triggered my fear of water.

I still can't swim, and I don't think I am ready to try to learn, but when I see my life and my children I am so thankful that I was pulled from that river. Perhaps at that young age I didn't see the meaning like I see it now. I see that  the "universe conspired" to stop the interruption of my life journey. 

I still get reminded of that day, not with flashbacks or nightmares but with something more powerful. On every occasion I have been struggling with issues, when I feel alone, when I feel hopeless, God has a way of reminding me that I am not alone, that He pulled me from that river. In every and each of those occasions I re-experience the sensation I felt when I was drowning. My nostrils and throat feel the sensation of suffocation and perhaps in an oxymoron kind of way that sensation is followed by a feeling of peace and comfort. God is telling that He never left my side.

You don't have to go through a near death experience to find meaning to your life. Some times your "near death" experience is the loss of a child, a divorce, the loss of a job, loss of a parent, loss of your home, etc. The value in our lives is found when we find our life mission, or perhaps the job we have been entrusted with. Lets make sure that whatever that is, we give more than what we take, as we never know the load that others are carrying, which may be heavier than our own.

Happy 50th Birthday Maribel Ortiz aka Mari

     Today, I celebrate 5 decades of life, or like someone told me, half a century. I am so blessed to have reach this age without any medical issues. I am blessed to be surrounded by wonderful friends and family that support me and love me deeply. I am grateful for my life experiences, for having my mom, my brothers, my grandma, cousins, aunts, uncles, and my boyfriend. I was raised by powerful women, and  I hope I have made you proud. I know you didn’t recognize your power, but you were, and you transferred that power to every cell of my being.

     As I look back I am pleased to have reached the goals I have set, and I feel I have been a good steward of the life God entrusted me with. As I enter the second half of my life I thought of my children including Kassi and their struggles and stressors,  and I decided to write some of the life lesions that I have learned in these 50 years, lessons that helped live a full and rich life. I wish someone would have reach out to me  when I was 20 or 30 and told me that things were going to be OK.

To my daughter’s (Stephanie, Hazel, Kiara and Kassi) and my son…you guys are my greatest gift! You made these 50 years’ worth living. If I have a grandchild that will help me on the next chapter (just saying).

    

            1) Life is a journey, and every step brings us a lesson. Do not live your life like you are finding a destination, as once you get there your goals might be different and you may feel disappointed.

            2)  Life is a dance, sometimes you lead and others you have to follow. Accept its rhythm and follow its flow, so it goes smoothly. The music are your goals as they set the tone for that long and beautiful dance.

  
     3)  Always be humble. Do not fight for recognition as it depends on other’s views. Just follow your heart and that will be your reward, knowing you did the right thing.

   

           4) Never forget the ones that helped you, the ones that uplift you, those ones that are sometimes behind the curtain. Pay it forward to others in their name and praise them because you were the chosen one to get the gift of their support. 

          5) Live with purpose. Everything that happens in your day should be purposeful, your comments, your interactions, your advice, your decisions…everything.  

     
   6)  Clean the slate before new relationships and do not allow your life stories to become baggage and damage your future experiences.  

   

            7) Go away…be alone and enjoy the gift of solitude.  

         

           8) Do not allow anyone to put obstacles in your path…ever!

     

           9)    Do not allow others to write your narrative. Your life story is yours and you should be the only author.   

          10)   Don’t expose your good deeds, do them in private as God will reward you. 

          11)   Look at your life like a book and not just like a chapter. Just like a book, you may not like every chapter but you may still like the story.

      

          12)   Never say no to a challenge as perhaps is a missed opportunity for a great life lesson.

       

          13)   Never get skewed by other’s opinions. Develop your own... always!

    

          14)   Listen more and talk less. 

  

          15)   Embrace your “flaws” like a chemical formula where all molecules are important.

      

         16)   Love yourself like no one, and make yourself a priority.  

          17)   Put yourself first, so you don’t try to live your life through others.  

    

          18)   Choose your battles. Not every battle is worth fighting and sometimes by “losing” your win more.

          

          19)   You will be judge unfairly; no everyone will like you…just let it go.

   

         20)   Honor your parents, and be a better parent than they were.

      

         21)   Teach others how to treat you.

    

        22)   Respect your body, as you only get one.

    

        23)   Do not make decisions based on guilt.

  

        24)   Be grateful everyday as you are one of the lucky ones that are alive to see it.

    

       25)   Set your intentions every morning.

    

      26)   Live by example and don’t expect from others what you don’t give.

   

      27)   Be with someone that allows you to be yourself.

  

     28)   No breakup will break you, but make sure you honor the past relationships as they brought something to your life. The ending of a relationship isn’t a failure; the failure comes from dismissing the lessons from it.

    

      29)   Stand by what you believe, even if you stand alone.

      30)   Lastly, live…just live like every day is the last one!

     I am looking forward to see what this decade brings me. My intentions have been set and my goals have been written. 

      Thank you for making my life a wonderful and fun journey. The best is yet to come.