Grief

      Today marks the first anniversary of my father's passing. Throughout the past year I went through what it's called grief. I had my highs and I had my lows. It's been quite a journey. During this year I was able to see that the people that I saw as professional providers of mental health services were the most uncomfortable while discussing death and the ones that avoided it at all cost. I got the best support from my loving patients and not because I told them my life story, but because they cared and asked  and perhaps because despite my smile the spark in my eyes wasn't there; from friends and above all my family and boyfriend. 

      When I returned from my father's funeral I wrote him a letter that I sealed in my scrapbook album and didn't open until today. I am sharing this letter as part of my healing process and to be able to close a circle that has remained open way too long. 

My dear father, 

      You left me forever! September 15, 2014 marks the day of your departure from the world of the living. I was shocked by the wave of emotions I experienced when I was notified. I felt pain because your death meant much more than a goodbye. 

       I remember when I saw you in the casket, first time seeing you in 15 years. My knees buckled and I broke down. I cried a river, all the tears that I held back for decades came without my permission and they almost drowned me. I really loved you dad and I was devastated that I will never know if you loved me the same. You took my hope of hearing you say you love me, or hug me, or see you have a relationship with my kids...you took away all that. You left me with a lot of questions and no answers. 

        I was so sad because I didn't recognize the man in the casket, neither the man that people talked about.Hearing the stories of your friends was healing and comforting as you were loved by many. Going through your things was healing as I realized you kept all the letters and pictures I have sent you.

        I am glad I got to talk to you the days before your passing. You sounded old and it was hard to connect and read the voice on the line. I wish things were different, I wish you had accepted my invitation to live with me, maybe you would have lived longer. You rejected me until the last moment.

         This are the words I said for you:

                             All my life I tried to imagine how it would feel to lose a dad.

                             I don't have to imagine any longer because that's now my

                             reality. 

                             At times we forget that life is ephemeral and we live like it will

                             never end, and for that I ask you to enjoy every minute you

                             have available with your loved ones. Don't hold back an "I 

                             love you" or a question. My dad I have no more time to 

                             exchange ideas as death took his life away, but our relationship 

                             will last forever.

                             Death puts into perspective our own life, and what it was 

                             important no longer is, and what we considered trivial 

                             becomes the moments and things we cherished.

                             From dad I learned to live life my own way, no matter who gets

                             bothered by it. My dad lived at large and he died knowing that he

                             was loved not only by his children but by many. 

                             Please keep us in your prayers as this is a long process and this 

                             is only the beginning. 

       

    Today I let go of my dreams of a great father and accept that my father was a broken man that couldn't love me the way I wanted, because he didn't know how to do it. Dad I forgive you, and I forgive myself for the anger I held for years, for the numbness I invited so that I could deal with your absence, and for the neglect I may have exposed you to. I love you and I hope your soul is resting in eternal peace.

Mari