I was recently talking to a friend, someone that I care for deeply and respect tremendously. With her permission and not revealing her identity I will share our last interaction. Her story affected me in a way that made me question my own relationships, especially the ones with men.
My friend has been in a four year relationship with a man that she loves deeply. She fell in love like in a fairy tale- "at first sight". She even said "his charm knocked me off my feet, and his sexual energy drove me to insanity". The relationship has been rocky due to complications that are outside of her control. Despite the time spent together she has been unable to reach a level of intimacy that would have benefited the relationship by making it stronger. It seems like the relationship grew like a ground cover, spreading around but not developing strong, deep roots. She has felt insecure about this man, and he has not been able to understand her insecurity and the depth of it; nor has he helped her feel secure and safe. At times she doubted his love, but stayed, because "it may get better if I give it time".
Without analyzing my friend and because I work in mental health, I decided to explore, not with the idea of judging but with the curiosity of a detective trying to solve a case. She revealed to me that she feels unworthy of being loved by anyone. I was surprised by that statement. She had quite a few mishaps in her love life, that has kept her from getting marry. She mentioned that her father was never in her life, and she always felt guilty that he abandoned her because of something she did. "Perhaps I wasn't good enough, smart enough, pretty enough, or didn't help enough..." For years she carried the fear that as her father left her, every man will do the same..."It was a matter of time". After a recent argument with her boyfriend, she heard the words that perhaps she expected but didn't want to hear and they were: "I gave up", meaning he gave up trying to work the relationship. She was heart broken, wanted to cry but couldn't. She felt validated, in the most negative of ways. She told me that she felt like her wings were broken, and she couldn't fly anymore. She answered using the same words, like she was a mirror reflecting the image she saw.
Negativity set in, and she felt she was strung like a pearl necklace...felt used, unappreciated, inadequate, unloved, and vulnerable. That last one has always been her greatest fear. I understood why, because as I remember growing up vulnerability was the place to avoid, it was seen as a sign of weakness. After that incident, she went into her safe place, -isolation and emotional disconnect,- a place that has become too familiar. What's the problem with this? Just like chemo damages the good cells while killing the cancerous one, emotional disconnect not only disconnect from negativity but also from the good experiences and feelings.
I felt connected to her in many ways. I thought of my own fears about being vulnerable. I now know that vulnerability is unavoidable, and instead of a sign of weakness is the total opposite, its the courage to take risks. Vulnerability exposes us to life opportunities that will help us grow and learn life lessons, so it should be embrace. For someone to be fully vulnerable it has to be met by empathy, which is that deep understanding of the other person's feelings and struggles. When empathy is out of the equation, shame will set in. The fear of shame is toxic and will not allow vulnerability to express itself, and that will stall our growth.
It is unbelievable the way that life experiences connect to each other like a chain link. Our experiences aren't not bigger than us...we are bigger than our circumstances. Like the links in a chain serve the same purpose, so our life experiences. Just like the artist that messes up their canvas correct its course by adding color, we should correct course when life gets messy. We may like our final product better than the original.
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