Family weekend

 This past weekend was a remarkable adventure. I welcomed into my house my boyfriend and my future stepson, for the first time as a pair. Our blended family made for a good combination.  I wasn't surprised that my children were so welcoming to them, because that's just who they are. We talked, we ate, we played, we fished, we canoed down the Merrimack, we took the boys for a play date at the trampoline park, they played video games, and many other things.

I am exhausted but I have a clearer idea of how things could be one day. Not perfect, nor average, just right for us.

  For years I wanted to have a relationship with a guy that either had no children or they were gown up and gone. Being a stepmother is a huge responsibility as there is such a fine line to walk that it scared me to death. In other words I never thought I could fill the shoes of another mother.  This weekend I was tested, and I realized that I don't have to fill anyone's shoes, because I could just wear my own. I don't have to be a mom, or even a step mom,  I just need to be me and allow the relationship to flow naturally without the need for labels. Having this 12 year old around was actually enjoyable. I felt like I gave birth again  bypassing the infancy, toddler and preschool period which is wonderful.

I spend time listening to what they had to say. My son and him teaching us about what they thought is wrong in USA, and the world. They talked about politics, abortion, gays and lesbians, religion and bullying, among other topics. Its unbelievable the things you can hear when you actually listen respectfully to someone else's opinion despite their age and life experiences.

Cooking and enjoying every meal in our deck was glorious and I can get used to that. During that weekend we all became one...not one person, but one family and it felt great. We erased the lines of race, stereotypes and culture and drew a new picture in which none of those lines were necessary. 

Now if I could only stop my boyfriend from leaving things behind every time he comes.  Every time I see a bottle of shampoo, deodorant, clothes or other personal items I get freaked out. Being a wife is exhausting and I guess I have some work to do before I get there, so he needs to stop the madness. I have to start with baby steps...

Grief

      Today marks the first anniversary of my father's passing. Throughout the past year I went through what it's called grief. I had my highs and I had my lows. It's been quite a journey. During this year I was able to see that the people that I saw as professional providers of mental health services were the most uncomfortable while discussing death and the ones that avoided it at all cost. I got the best support from my loving patients and not because I told them my life story, but because they cared and asked  and perhaps because despite my smile the spark in my eyes wasn't there; from friends and above all my family and boyfriend. 

      When I returned from my father's funeral I wrote him a letter that I sealed in my scrapbook album and didn't open until today. I am sharing this letter as part of my healing process and to be able to close a circle that has remained open way too long. 

My dear father, 

      You left me forever! September 15, 2014 marks the day of your departure from the world of the living. I was shocked by the wave of emotions I experienced when I was notified. I felt pain because your death meant much more than a goodbye. 

       I remember when I saw you in the casket, first time seeing you in 15 years. My knees buckled and I broke down. I cried a river, all the tears that I held back for decades came without my permission and they almost drowned me. I really loved you dad and I was devastated that I will never know if you loved me the same. You took my hope of hearing you say you love me, or hug me, or see you have a relationship with my kids...you took away all that. You left me with a lot of questions and no answers. 

        I was so sad because I didn't recognize the man in the casket, neither the man that people talked about.Hearing the stories of your friends was healing and comforting as you were loved by many. Going through your things was healing as I realized you kept all the letters and pictures I have sent you.

        I am glad I got to talk to you the days before your passing. You sounded old and it was hard to connect and read the voice on the line. I wish things were different, I wish you had accepted my invitation to live with me, maybe you would have lived longer. You rejected me until the last moment.

         This are the words I said for you:

                             All my life I tried to imagine how it would feel to lose a dad.

                             I don't have to imagine any longer because that's now my

                             reality. 

                             At times we forget that life is ephemeral and we live like it will

                             never end, and for that I ask you to enjoy every minute you

                             have available with your loved ones. Don't hold back an "I 

                             love you" or a question. My dad I have no more time to 

                             exchange ideas as death took his life away, but our relationship 

                             will last forever.

                             Death puts into perspective our own life, and what it was 

                             important no longer is, and what we considered trivial 

                             becomes the moments and things we cherished.

                             From dad I learned to live life my own way, no matter who gets

                             bothered by it. My dad lived at large and he died knowing that he

                             was loved not only by his children but by many. 

                             Please keep us in your prayers as this is a long process and this 

                             is only the beginning. 

       

    Today I let go of my dreams of a great father and accept that my father was a broken man that couldn't love me the way I wanted, because he didn't know how to do it. Dad I forgive you, and I forgive myself for the anger I held for years, for the numbness I invited so that I could deal with your absence, and for the neglect I may have exposed you to. I love you and I hope your soul is resting in eternal peace.

Mari

My Faith Journey

For the last few months I have been working on a "secret" project. Well, actually it isn't that of a secret, I just chose to confide in a few. On Saturday, on a ceremony that will be part of the Easter vigil in the church I will officially become a Catholic. I have done a lot of studying and a lot of soul searching and I am so excited that my special day is so close.

My search for a church started a few years ago, when I realized that I was missing having a place to congregate to hear God's message. I visited many churches and never felt connected to any of the people in it. I remember leaving some of those churches as empty as I entered, and that isn't the way it's supposed to be. When my father passed away, I renewed that urge to keep searching as his death made me analyze my own life path. So in the fall of 2014 I joined the RCIA (Rite of Christian Initiation of Adults) classes at St. Michael's church in North Andover. It’s funny because I was referred to St. Anthony's by my friend Magaly Mercedes and after no response I went to St. William's and from there I was sent to St. Michael's. In that first class I felt at home, I was in the right place. I guess that's the way it was meant to be from the beginning.

The following months have been of great spiritual growth. I didn't need a faith because I already had one, as I had always considered myself a Christian, I just needed a family to join. Every step I have taken in this journey has been great, fulfilling and purposeful.

Now, I don't go to church because I am afraid to go to hell, I go because I need the message for my soul, like I need food for my body. I don't need the priest to be around for me to want to do good, I just do it because it’s good for my spirit, because when you receive good you want to share it, because it strengthens my relationship with God, and because I want to live a fruitful spiritual life and the fruits should be visible. There is no tree that bear invisible fruits, otherwise how can we recognize one from the other?

I am sure I will be criticize by many, and there is nothing I can do about that, I just need to make sure that my behavior speaks louder than my words. Does that mean I am perfect? Heck no. It just means that I have recognized my many flaws, and my weaknesses and accept that I can't take the journey alone, nor I have to. Being part of a church is a big responsibility, as we represent our faith and I am aware that people who acknowledge following Christ are placed under a potent microscope, in many occasions not prove that they are righteous but the contrary. 

It's not my responsibility to tell people how to live their life, I am just sharing my own journey. Every journey is personal and that is what makes them beautiful and meaningful. I always had a deep faith and throughout my life - even at my darkest times - God has been the only One that have never failed me or left me alone in the path. He has always guided my life, and moved me to wherever I am supposed to be.

I have chosen to wear yellow on my special day to symbolize the sun when it rises- bright, fiery and new - because it is a new beginning. So looking forward to be confirmed with my peers with whom I have bonded like a family. This journey is just beginning.

Living life

I haven't write in a while as I have been enjoying life so much that my Internet time has been limited. My life has changed dramatically since I met a guy that swept me off my feet like a tsunami hits the shore...unexpectedly and forcefully.

I have to say that when I met this person and our eyes locked for the first time, it was like if I had met his soul before, and I was able to recognize it through those green piercing eyes. It felt like a re-encounter and not a first meeting. What a moment that was!

I remember how many times my patients used to tell me they were praying for me so I could find a good boyfriend, and my response was always the same: 'love will find me, when the time is right, even if it is in a Market Basket aisle'...and it did...when I was ready to enjoy it...when my heart was healed from old wounds...when I didn't need someone...when I had let go of the past...when I felt hopeful...when I felt complete...when I stop being afraid...when I felt realized as a woman...when my heart was open not only to give love but to receive it.

I was amazed at the first time he walked me outside in the middle of the darkness so I can take a look at a beautiful sky filled with thousands of sparkling stars...or when I was awakened in the middle of the night so I could enjoy a beautiful full moon...or when he took me fishing and I caught my first trout...or when he took me to the magical place in which I was surrounded by wild deer that ate from my hands...or when we went canoeing in an area with views that took my breath away...

I don't think I was enjoying life like that before. I was cautious and limited myself from unknown experiences. By opening my heart to those small moments I made a collection of wonderful memories that continues to impact my life and has pushed me into the next level.

For many years and as a single parent I wasn't living in the "now", but in the past or the future. The laundry, the grocery list, what am I cooking tonight?, and all those things that rented space in  my head were preventing me from being present at all times. Oh, how many moments I missed forever.

Last night, as I was having dinner by myself at Panera's I couldn't stop looking at a family of three sitting across from me...a dad and two children either preteens or early teenagers. They didn't look or talk to each other. Each one had their eyes locked into their mobile devices for the whole time they were there. It was sad, and I thought to myself that was me a few months ago. At that moment I put my phone away where I couldn't hear it and enjoyed myself...I decided to live that moment.

Are you living and enjoying life to the fullest? Living in the now is a choice and its worth giving it a try. "The present is all we actually have" and we should treat it as a gift. There is such beauty in being present in every moment of your life, not like an spectator but as an active participant. Think of life like a exquisite dessert that needs to be savor. But like any behavioral changes, this takes practice and there is a constant battle because as good human beings we tend to revisit the past and go back to old behavioral patterns. We find comfort in never throwing away the keys. It takes a conscious effort but the end is like Nirvana.

Like Eckhart Tolle said "Accept- then act. Whatever the present moment contains, accept it as if you had chosen it. Always work with it not against it. Make it your friend and ally, not your enemy. This will miraculously transform your whole life". (The Power of Now, pp.35).

Have a rich life so at the end of the road they will be no regrets, but great pleasure in the experiences you were able to enjoy. We should be able to say 'I am not afraid of dying because I lived". Not many will be able to say that.

Happy Birthday Doctor Ortiz!

Today I woke up a year older, and excited as the country finally realized that my birthday is a Holiday.

In another light, I am closer to 50 than to 40...WTF!  My daughter told me when I turned 40, that I was a middle age woman, as the life expectancy was about 80 years old. I remembered  being horrified at that thought, but I guess now I need to accept it, and I will do so gracefully.

I could say that age is only a number, but it isn't. Its a collection of experiences, memories, dreams, relationships, suffering, messes,  happiness, and many other things. When we are born we are given an empty imaginary treasure chest, and then we go through life trying to fill it, with the power to  decide what goes in it, so we have to make sure we that we choose wisely.

What a great feeling to be able to have experienced 46 years of life. And boy, I have lived, I have experienced everything that I had set my mind to, every dream I had I  made it a reality, which means I need to develop new ones. I may not have experienced life like others, but I have done it my own way.

The past year has been rough, and I could compare it to a roller coaster ride- thrilling and scary. I experienced wonderful dreams that made me and family proud.  I experienced loses of relationships and friendships, but they were never a waste as they truly had a purpose and impact in my life. I don't regret the lived and shared experiences as they helped me gain insight and life perspective.  I experienced the loss of my father and his loss helped me gain closure. Whatever was important before his death, no longer is. His death put my life into perspective.

On the other hand, my life has been altered by people I have met this past year. I have become to realize that the best is yet to come, and that I have not live yet to my fullest potential.

In the last 7 years I have learned to love my own company, and to explore the complicated labyrinth that is my brain and psyche. This process  helped me made peace with what it was and what it is. I 've gained calmness, happiness and control of my life. My happiness now  is my responsibility and I have adjusted the unrealistic expectations I had from others. I could feel a sense of joy that flows from insight me and at that times its hard to explain, but the feeling is wonderful.

What is the beauty of a 46-year old woman?   I am who I am, and I don't make excuses or apologize for it. There is great beauty in the fact that the need to impress others, gets replaced by the need to impress the self. That the need to apologize for expressing my opinion is unnecessary. Confidence is my sexiest asset. I know my body completely and I have no fear or hesitation to ask for what I  want. I now enter relationships with the intention to give as giving is more filling than receiving.  I have become to realize that relationships are an investment, not of money but of feelings, emotions and actions, and there is no gain without giving. I don't take people for granted and I have no solid expectations for anyone so whatever they chose to give is welcome with gratitude. Challenges are desired and taken without hesitation. The ego has deflated to healthy levels as the older I get the sense of reality replaces it and I realize that I am not as big as I thought I was.  At 46 years old I still have the energy to give anyone a run for their money. I reflect what I want to get. I have divorced the "NO" from the "guilt", and that has allowed me to say "yes" to myself more often. I feel I am in the prime of my life and I have never been happier or healthier.

 I will leave this entry with the following thoughts:
 The world needs...more compassion and love for human life. I believe in...God and His infinite grace and love for humanity. Love is...a healing force, than in many occasions we don't get to experience it's fullest potential and depth because we get stuck in the passion and lust thinking that's all there is. What do I know for sure...that there are no random acts, that we come into this world with a purpose and we need to make sure we figure that out to make our life journey a meaningful one.
 
                                                  Happy birthday to me!!!!!

A story of deceit

Imagine you spend hours sitting in front of a game board playing the game of Life with all you have, and when you think you are close to finish with a big win, your opponent tells you...'sorry the rules of the game have changed and I forgot to tell you, so I just won".

This is deceit at its best, and who hasn't been deceived at some point in their life? If you haven't you may need to check your pulse. :)

How do we feel when we have been deceived?  Besides being angered by it, our human nature is to blame ourselves, and  to take ownership of someone else's actions by saying: "I may have missed some red flags", or " I was naive", or  "he/she didn't mean it", or  "I should have been more alert", or even better "he/she really loved me and was afraid to lose me".  

 Who is the winner? Who is the loser? 

This is a catch 22 type deal, not sure if there is a loser-winner relationship, but there is a lot to lose and even more to gain. You will never know with certainty what goes on in the head of a person who is being delusive, because they will never tell you. Based on my work experience I see that most people that are deceptive have been doing this for years, and this has become a coping mechanism. This is their armor to protect a frail ego. They are terrified of being vulnerable, of being judged, of not being liked. Does that justifies their behavior? Not really, but this is learned behavior and at some point we may have contributed to this behavior conditioning. Think for a moment when you tell a story and the recipient has an negative overt reaction with theatrical body language. What will happen next time? Will you speak your truth as freely? Probably not, as their reaction will condition and mold your next step.

Lies are painful, and they leave deep wounds, but they say more about the liar than about the recipient. Liars are prisoners, perhaps of an image they want to keep or a story they want to continue playing. Sometimes their lies have been their truth for years, so they have become their new reality. That must be a big load to carry. What a burden must be to pretend and pretend to be someone that you are not, and never show your true character because you are so busy playing a role. To me that's an assault on the self, more than on the opponent. 

Being the deceived I still consider myself a winner, because not knowing the end result I played like I was going to win. If you go on the arena and fight, you are already a winner because fear didn't get the best of you. 

There is a lot to learn about a situation like this one. If we let go of the anger of the moment and think clearly we could take the lesson that we were meant to learn...don't be afraid to be yourself, play like there is a winning chance, don't allow fear to choose your path and feel compassion for your opponent as behind every deceiver there is a story, and there is fear.  Always treat others like you want to be treated, no matter if they change the rules on you.  Sometimes you have to lose to gain.

 

August Photo Challenge #EmbraceBeauty

Since my computer died, it was very hard for me to publish the pictures to complete my August photo challenge on a timely manner, but since that was my goal I still owe it to myself to complete it.  Here are the days I missed and I hope you enjoy the pictures as behind every picture there is a story. 

Day 13 Bright: Nothing more beautiful than the brightness of the colors of my garden.

Day 17: A is for admirable: My brothers are one of my best gifts, they are an example of perseverance, love, and responsibility. 

Day 18 Messy: Nothing like a messy Christmas morning. I love "these messes" as they usually happen after a happy feeling.

Day 19 Books: last December my son made me a "Christmas tree" out of my favorite books. Just lovely.

Day 20 Ready: ...to conquer the world.

Day 21 summer: I am not an ice cream person, but summer means I will have a cone of mint chocolate chip ice cream. Its my summer ritual. 

2014

2013

Day 22 Evening: seeing the kids enjoying themselves during our vacation was priceless. AJ was the bomb playing Settlers of Catan. 

Day 23 Friends:  two of my favorite people. Great friends, even when we get side tracked by life, we are never too far apart. 

Day 24 sunset: nice view from the parking lot of my work. Only saw it once, looking forward to see it again soon. 

Day 25 Nature:  this picture was taken near the Canadian border in Maine

Day 26 Quiet: my vacation ritual. A cup of coffee in solitude, just with the sound of my thoughts.

Day 27 embrace: nothing like holding your children close. My kids are the best part of me. 

Day 28 Sweet: I still remember the happiness and the sweet spark on his eyes when he fell in love with Meeko, his first cat. Bittersweet as he passed away 1 month after adoption from unknown causes. He will always be remembered. 

Day 29 Lovely:  no need for words

Day 30 outside: Wilson Pond in Maine 

Day 31 Favorite seat: one of my favorite seats is in my office doing what I love to do.