Happy 50th Birthday Maribel Ortiz aka Mari

     Today, I celebrate 5 decades of life, or like someone told me, half a century. I am so blessed to have reach this age without any medical issues. I am blessed to be surrounded by wonderful friends and family that support me and love me deeply. I am grateful for my life experiences, for having my mom, my brothers, my grandma, cousins, aunts, uncles, and my boyfriend. I was raised by powerful women, and  I hope I have made you proud. I know you didn’t recognize your power, but you were, and you transferred that power to every cell of my being.

     As I look back I am pleased to have reached the goals I have set, and I feel I have been a good steward of the life God entrusted me with. As I enter the second half of my life I thought of my children including Kassi and their struggles and stressors,  and I decided to write some of the life lesions that I have learned in these 50 years, lessons that helped live a full and rich life. I wish someone would have reach out to me  when I was 20 or 30 and told me that things were going to be OK.

To my daughter’s (Stephanie, Hazel, Kiara and Kassi) and my son…you guys are my greatest gift! You made these 50 years’ worth living. If I have a grandchild that will help me on the next chapter (just saying).

    

            1) Life is a journey, and every step brings us a lesson. Do not live your life like you are finding a destination, as once you get there your goals might be different and you may feel disappointed.

            2)  Life is a dance, sometimes you lead and others you have to follow. Accept its rhythm and follow its flow, so it goes smoothly. The music are your goals as they set the tone for that long and beautiful dance.

  
     3)  Always be humble. Do not fight for recognition as it depends on other’s views. Just follow your heart and that will be your reward, knowing you did the right thing.

   

           4) Never forget the ones that helped you, the ones that uplift you, those ones that are sometimes behind the curtain. Pay it forward to others in their name and praise them because you were the chosen one to get the gift of their support. 

          5) Live with purpose. Everything that happens in your day should be purposeful, your comments, your interactions, your advice, your decisions…everything.  

     
   6)  Clean the slate before new relationships and do not allow your life stories to become baggage and damage your future experiences.  

   

            7) Go away…be alone and enjoy the gift of solitude.  

         

           8) Do not allow anyone to put obstacles in your path…ever!

     

           9)    Do not allow others to write your narrative. Your life story is yours and you should be the only author.   

          10)   Don’t expose your good deeds, do them in private as God will reward you. 

          11)   Look at your life like a book and not just like a chapter. Just like a book, you may not like every chapter but you may still like the story.

      

          12)   Never say no to a challenge as perhaps is a missed opportunity for a great life lesson.

       

          13)   Never get skewed by other’s opinions. Develop your own... always!

    

          14)   Listen more and talk less. 

  

          15)   Embrace your “flaws” like a chemical formula where all molecules are important.

      

         16)   Love yourself like no one, and make yourself a priority.  

          17)   Put yourself first, so you don’t try to live your life through others.  

    

          18)   Choose your battles. Not every battle is worth fighting and sometimes by “losing” your win more.

          

          19)   You will be judge unfairly; no everyone will like you…just let it go.

   

         20)   Honor your parents, and be a better parent than they were.

      

         21)   Teach others how to treat you.

    

        22)   Respect your body, as you only get one.

    

        23)   Do not make decisions based on guilt.

  

        24)   Be grateful everyday as you are one of the lucky ones that are alive to see it.

    

       25)   Set your intentions every morning.

    

      26)   Live by example and don’t expect from others what you don’t give.

   

      27)   Be with someone that allows you to be yourself.

  

     28)   No breakup will break you, but make sure you honor the past relationships as they brought something to your life. The ending of a relationship isn’t a failure; the failure comes from dismissing the lessons from it.

    

      29)   Stand by what you believe, even if you stand alone.

      30)   Lastly, live…just live like every day is the last one!

     I am looking forward to see what this decade brings me. My intentions have been set and my goals have been written. 

      Thank you for making my life a wonderful and fun journey. The best is yet to come.

My best friend

Everyone comes to our lives with a purpose, and sometimes that purpose isn't reveal instantly but later on.

In 2001 I met a woman, and I just didn't know what an important role she will play in my life. She was powerful, outgoing, vibrant, classy, witty and had a story for everything. There was nothing that you could say that she didn't have something to add. I was curious about her and she soon made me feel at ease and comfortable. I remember I was pregnant with my son AJ, and I was worried about the possibility that he will be born with Down Syndrome as the doctor suspected. She stopped what she was doing and heard me. She paid attention to my story and gave me so much comfort. After that conversation I was fearless. At that moment I fell in love with her and that love is bigger than ever.

I have never heard anyone saying a bad word about her. She has been through so much and her level of strength is remarkable. She is a hero without a cape. She is a lady, and her grace clears the path she walks on. Her personality is bigger than any room she's ever been in. Her smile is genuine and contagious. Her hugs warm your heart and quiet your soul. Her spirit is unwavering. She has been up, and she been down but like Maya Angelou described in one of her poems, "...but sill, like air. She will rise".  

When we worked together she was better than Google, she knew everything...from sports to medicine. Her brain is amazing. I think she memorized all the books she read, the PDR, The DSM V and the Merck Manual among others. She is impressive. It didn't help that she became a physician before she moved to Massachusetts.


She is a philanthropist, and not because she gives away money but something greater, she gives herself in such genuine way. She is one on those people that touches you without ever placing a hand on you. She creates movement by being still. She has taught me so much. She is my best friend, my counselor, my guide, my cheerleader, my confidant, my secret keeper, etc. I look up to her and her opinion I have in great regard. I hope that someday I can walk in her shadow, because her shoes are too big for me.

Today, I honor my best friend Magaly Mercedes Rodriguez. Our relationship is until death do us part. I love you so much! Since I met you, I have never felt alone. Thank you for the gifts that you have given me. Happy 71st birthday!

The journey of life

Several weeks ago I became aware that a friend has cancer and it seems terminal. It seemed unexpected, which seems to be the usual cancer style. Uninvited, by surprise...almost like a thief in the middle of the night trying to rob you of your most  precious possessions... your biggest treasures.


I thought of the plans made after the many years worked, and all the money saved. So many years of waiting and planning just shattered like a mirror that falls on a marble floor.  All those plans were severed by a cancer diagnosis.

I have been unable to stop thinking about this since the moment I was given the news. I started to question my own life journey. Am I living life to the fullest? Am I living life like I am going to a specific destination? Am I existing or living? Am I living like I am never dying or like if I will die tomorrow? So many thoughts still crossing my mind and I am filled with sorrow and the realization that life is so fragile, and like Paulo Coelho said - "sometimes it is impossible to stop the river of life". Life has a path, just like a river; we just don't know where or when will meet the ocean.


How insane it is that all our lives we fight to be in control and when we come to the end, we are so powerless. In our culture our jobs rule our world and at the end of the journey our job lowers to a lesser level of importance, and the people and the relationships we sacrificed by it seem to raise to the top. How different is our life perspective when we have less time to live. How valuable time itself feels when its almost gone.

We seem to live like we are going to a destination and at times we just exist and dream about that time in the far future. Most of our lives are spent packing for that "trip" or even trying to not make any stops because they will slow us down. I understand that our jobs are necessary and important, and so is our life.  Why it is so hard to find balance? I think is because we feel that our life will always be there and we take it for granted. We stop enjoying our surroundings, smelling the coffee and even savoring it. We stop noticing people around us because we are on the phone or on the Internet. We don't listen to our priest because we are busy checking for texts. We can't enjoy the moment because we are loaded with painful pasts, poorly managed stress, unnecessary emotional burden or because we are planning for the future. We always have a great excuse to not be present when we know that the present is all we have. 
 
Renew you compromise to yourself every morning. Be thankful and grateful. Laugh more, love more and above all, live more.  Let's live life so when we get to the end of our journey we are heavy with memories and not regret. Lets be remembered with love and because of the moments and memories we shared with others and not because of the long hours we worked, how productive we were or how well  we managed our  case loads.

Let's wander without the fear of getting lost. Lets live...just live! Anyone could perform your jobs but no one could live your life.

Lessons from the lake

 People close to me are aware of my tremendous fear of water, as I let them know as a way of self preservation. I nearly drowned when I was 16 years old, and the memories of that day have never left me. Every so often and out of the blue I re-experience the feeling of water clogging my nose, preventing me from breathing. I always think it is God's way of reminding me that he saved me with a purpose. I am thankful and grateful for the people that saved me, otherwise I will have missed so much.  Despite my fear I have a great love for water and at the same time respect of its powerful grip.  Being in the water reminds me of the stillness and the peace I experienced when I finally let go...at 16...when I surrendered to the power of that river. 

An attempt to re-experience that stillness and peace always brings me back to face the power that almost took my life and that I can't control.

Today, David and I went to Pawtuckaway Lake to enjoy the sun in the kayak he bought for us. We had lunch packed and we headed to find an island to enjoy it.

The sun was shinning bright, the sky as clear as could be and the lake was full of lessons. Nature is such a wonderful teacher and today I had the opportunity to see it in action one more time.  I was willing to open my senses and allow those lessons to sink in.

First lesson was given by the water lilies.  Beautiful, peaceful and didn't seem to stress while they push their way to the surface. They follow their instinct to grow, to bloom despite whatever changes in the environment around them. They are rooted in the mud and their beauty announces  to  the world that they are bigger than their circumstances. I wish humans follow that same behavioral pattern, of growing wherever you are planted and work with whatever you are given instead of making excuses for our lack of accomplishments and shortcomings. 

 Second lesson was given by the water itself. When boats passed by, they ruffled the water creating waves that rocked the boat. When we paddled, the stress on the boat felt worse and I thought it would flip, throwing us in the water. When we just surrender and dance with the waves the stress on the boat subside. The troubled waters are our daily problems and the boat is us, humans. Sometimes relaxing in front of a big problem is the best solution, the best choice. Resisting to stress doesn't resolve it and we suffer the consequences either mentally or physically.

 The third lesson was given by the ripples in the water. Those circles that started very small and kept expanding until they reached the shore that broke them and made them disappear.   Those reminded me of the memories of abuse or trauma and the sorrows we carry, as if we don't find a shore that breaks them, they keep growing to places that are unmanageable and overwhelming. Therapy and treatment is the shore that breaks them and prevents them from causing more damage than the trauma itself.

My last lesson came after we got lost and we couldn't find the boat launch area. I was tired and I didn't want to paddle any more. I could have freak out and complaint about it,  but instead I decided to adopt the pace of nature, that wonderful secret that Ralph Waldo Emerson called patience. That extra time gave us the space for a few more laughs, a few more calories burned, and few minutes to enjoy each other in a place that only our conversation or our silence mattered...no phones, no internet, no emails and not distractions. "Nature never rushes and yet everything gets accomplished".


The next time you face nature remember that "It is not what you look at that matters, it is what you see." Henry David Thoreau

       

Can we just get along?

Before you start reading, I have to say that I am not attacking anyone in particular based on their political choices, as I am respectful of our differences. I recognize people's right to protest, but I wish we exert that right in a way that shows our objectivity and our ability to think critically and rationally. 

I have been fascinated with the election process 2016, but more so with the reactions of many people I know (or I thought I did) as they express themselves in social media. I have never been comfortable discussing my political views, as this is a topic that is usually charged with emotions, and because of this, I shy away from public discussions. Today, I will change that by sharing my opinion. I am neither Republican or Democrat. Some years I had voted for a Republican candidate and others I had voted for Democratic one. It all depends on their political agenda or plan of action.  In this election I didn't vote for Donald Trump, and I did vote for Hillary Clinton. I didn't like Mrs. Clinton but I couldn't vote for a man who I have observed being so disrespectful to women and minorities. I hope that when we get a female president it will be a woman with character and we have many like that.

To start, I have to say that I am dating a Republican who voted for Donald Trump, and to top it all he is White. Two characteristics that place him in a "bad group" these days. I have to say that he is not a racist, a White supremacist, or a xenophobe.  What was my reaction when my boyfriend stated who he voted for? None. Despite our political disagreements I have to respect that his opinion doesn't have to mirror mine, and I have to be respectful, as I expect him to be of my opinions. I don't love him less than I did before, nor I lost respect for him.

I have been horrified with the stance some have taken against people they called friends or family, just because they voted for the opposite party. People have labeled others as racist, evil, ignorant, stupid, xenophobics, homophobics, bad Christians and other adjectives that I can't recall at this moment. When they got bored with Trump, they move to attack Melania,  degrading her by bringing naked pictures from her past and humiliating postings.  What happened with the voice of democracy? Do we only want to hear it when it speaks our language? Are we only respectful of people that agree with us? Are our friends only good people when they agree with our political views? Do we fight division with divisive words?

We need to remember that our rights don't have political parties. We need to be mindful of how we express our opinion, as the tone we use may close doors instead of opening a dialogue. I am flabbergasted on how quick people that support women rights show their disapproval of other women by exposing their flaws, making them look foolish and less than human in the public eye. Does that makes us better?  Does our support for women rights end at the end of our political party fence?

It is interesting to see how many recite the Bible to attack the ones that oppose their views. I am no religious leader, but isn't that the same Bible that says "love thy neighbor as yourself"?

I am respectful of the democratic process, and I am as concern with the future of this country as I was after previous elections. There is always a level of uncertainty after an electoral process.

I love my friends and family and I apologize if I have made any comments that had shown otherwise. The differences in our opinions make our relationships richer. My opinion of you is based on your character and not on the way you voted. 

Let's behave like adults and not like bullies in the playground. No matter what party you belong to, we all want our country to be strong and united. Lets do our part...change starts with each one of us. It's great to live in a country in where we could choose our leaders. Let's be respectful of the process and our loved ones...we cannot get what we don't give. 

A Purposeful Journey

      Today,  I learned a life lesson and I was humbled by a series of events that made this day so remarkably emotional and inspiring. As a nurse, I always try to look for ways to reduce human  suffering and improve the quality of life of others. God has blessed me beyond my expectations! My greatest blessing isn't material, and it is the wonderful group of people that surrounds me and are always ready to open their hearts to the needs of others...their kindness helped lift the spirits of many today, by showing them that they are not forgotten. I am honored to have been able to represent the many people that donated to this cause. About 2 months ago I decided to start the Blessing Bags for the Homeless Drive. I am a dreamer, and I like to dream big, but in many occasions my dreams are bigger than my resources, so I ask for help and people's generosity always amazes me and exceeds my expectations. I wanted to reach the goal of 100 bags collected and our total today was 102. I couldn't have done it without all of you.

       October 10th is the day that I selected to give away the wonderful collection of items obtained. My first stop was an outreach effort made with the help of my uncle, Pastor Jerry Robles, my aunt Ligia Vazquez and one of their church members -Virginia. We visited the camps under the bridge and near the dam in Lawrence. My heart broke when I saw the conditions many people live in. No video or report could have prepared to what I saw.  Despite the fact that I am not able to relate to homelessness as I have never lived through it,  I was able to empathize. Their survival spirit inspired me and made realize that I don't do enough. Their resourcefulness motivated me to be more active in the community and spark in others the desire to help by leading with example. I was able to relate with the fact that these were my people, mostly young Puerto Rican men that sometimes have no voice and are invisible to society. Their faces showed despair, pain, but also love and hope.  I will never forget their gratitude and humility. They were knocked down but no broken.

       I also visited the Daybreak Shelter and reunited with their assistant director- Greg, which is someone I know from the past, someone I know leads by example. They received the biggest portion of the donation- 5 boxes of prefilled bags. I was given a tour of the shelter and we talked about their daily routines, and the success stories. Their need is huge and I can only hope that our efforts will help  ease their burden.

Through this journey I also learned that not everyone is comfortable helping, that some have forgotten they have been blessed and have grown blind to the need of others. Some people said they "don't give because they don't have", and I will tell them that is the opposite; they don't have because they don't give.  No judgement, as their attitude was never an obstacle, but a motivator.

It's not my place to judge or even understand homelessness and its complexities. My job as a nurse is to meet them where they are, and attempt to alleviate their struggle...to remember that they are someone's children, someone's parent, someone's sibling... that they are human, just like me who have taken a different path in life.

Your generosity helped many. I am sharing some pictures, but not of the homeless victims because I want to respect their privacy...I hope you are proud of what you have done. I am proud of all of you, together we can make a difference.

 Today, I reaffirmed that my purpose in life is to give to others what God has given me by His grace, and to never allow the crazyness of life to blind, or deafen me from the pain around me. I encourage you to find your purpose, as the life journey isn't meaningful without it. A  purposeless life is like an empty treasure box.

I am going to close this entry with a quote from Danzel Washington that says "At the end of the day its not about what you have or even what you have accomplished...its about who you've lifted up, who you've made better. Its about what you've given back".

I surrender

Everyone that knows me is aware that Paulo Coelho is my favorite author.  Today, I came across a quote from a wonderful book he wrote and that I read a few years back - Aleph: "What hurts us is what heals us."

This quote made me reflect on my life journey since I left my marriage in 2007. Since then (not that I wasn't before), I have been deceived, lied to, used, broken, repaired, loved, unloved, appreciated, and unappreciated. Attempts were made to mold me, perhaps tame me, made me someone I wasn't. At the end I was "abandoned" by the men that swore they loved me. I say abandoned because I feel they checked out emotionally before I decided to part. This resulted in one main feeling, that despite having only four letters (guys not that four letter word) encompasses all of the above....HURT. 

Hurt has different layers, different levels and even different phases. Because of hurt I thought about quitting relationships all together....or becoming a lesbian. I later realized that you can't become a lesbian, you either are or not...and I am not. I have never quit at anything I had put my heart into. Just thinking about quitting made me want to explore the "why?"  It's is interesting how easy we could give so much power to others, and make them directors of our path. How come I allowed others to make me second guess my life journey? 

After I have explore my feelings  I realized that they brought consequences and as a result I had built a wall for my protection, or maybe more like a room with padded walls. I could even picture it in my head . In that room I felt safe. The walls of the room were built from blocks of fear. I can break it down  in some major categories; fear of more hurt, of being vulnerable, of being exposed, of feeling unloved, abandoned, of feeling like I wasn't enough. Intellectually I knew I was enough, I knew I was lovable, but feelings unlike intellect get easily contaminated by those variables that we can't control. 

When I started my journey in E-Harmony I was attempting to break those fears and as a result break   down that padded wall room. I went in two dates (the second was already scheduled before I went on the first one and I felt bad cancelling)....but that first date was so unbelievable that I couldn't enjoy that second date. That guy had no chance. That's not a bad thing as dating could be exhausting. I guess   "I opened the window and heart. The sun flooded my room and love inundated my soul". That quote sums it all. Like hurt, love has many levels...and I am ready to continue the wonderful journey of exploration and demolition of my padded room. 

Life is quite a journey and what's a journey without pain and sorrow? The lows in life will help us appreciate the highs, and those highs will keep us hoping  when we are low. I am thankful for the ones before because the pain they caused me  prepared me for what I am enjoying today. I am thankful for the vacancy they left.  I have no other choice that to surrender  to love...to be touch by its healing power. Not sure where this journey will lead but I am planning to enjoy the journey, and about the destination? ...I will worry about it  when I get there.