This quote made me reflect on my life journey since I left my marriage in 2007. Since then (not that I wasn't before), I have been deceived, lied to, used, broken, repaired, loved, unloved, appreciated, and unappreciated. Attempts were made to mold me, perhaps tame me, made me someone I wasn't. At the end I was "abandoned" by the men that swore they loved me. I say abandoned because I feel they checked out emotionally before I decided to part. This resulted in one main feeling, that despite having only four letters (guys not that four letter word) encompasses all of the above....HURT.
Hurt has different layers, different levels and even different phases. Because of hurt I thought about quitting relationships all together....or becoming a lesbian. I later realized that you can't become a lesbian, you either are or not...and I am not. I have never quit at anything I had put my heart into. Just thinking about quitting made me want to explore the "why?" It's is interesting how easy we could give so much power to others, and make them directors of our path. How come I allowed others to make me second guess my life journey?
After I have explore my feelings I realized that they brought consequences and as a result I had built a wall for my protection, or maybe more like a room with padded walls. I could even picture it in my head . In that room I felt safe. The walls of the room were built from blocks of fear. I can break it down in some major categories; fear of more hurt, of being vulnerable, of being exposed, of feeling unloved, abandoned, of feeling like I wasn't enough. Intellectually I knew I was enough, I knew I was lovable, but feelings unlike intellect get easily contaminated by those variables that we can't control.
When I started my journey in E-Harmony I was attempting to break those fears and as a result break down that padded wall room. I went in two dates (the second was already scheduled before I went on the first one and I felt bad cancelling)....but that first date was so unbelievable that I couldn't enjoy that second date. That guy had no chance. That's not a bad thing as dating could be exhausting. I guess "I opened the window and heart. The sun flooded my room and love inundated my soul". That quote sums it all. Like hurt, love has many levels...and I am ready to continue the wonderful journey of exploration and demolition of my padded room.
Life is quite a journey and what's a journey without pain and sorrow? The lows in life will help us appreciate the highs, and those highs will keep us hoping when we are low. I am thankful for the ones before because the pain they caused me prepared me for what I am enjoying today. I am thankful for the vacancy they left. I have no other choice that to surrender to love...to be touch by its healing power. Not sure where this journey will lead but I am planning to enjoy the journey, and about the destination? ...I will worry about it when I get there.
