Wednesday, April 30, 2014

Leaving a mark

I visited memory lane recently as I came across some pictures from the mass blessing my nursing degree and the graduating class of December 1991. I am not Catholic, but I was blessed with a great education at the Pontifical Catholic University of Puerto Rico in where I obtained my undergraduate nursing degree.

Those pictures triggered wonderful memories of all the people I encountered in the school that touched me and left a profound mark. I realized I never had the chance to thank them. Many of their names were lost in the imperfect labyrinth of my memory, but their legacy was indelibly imprinted in my life.

I remember a special priest that taught the anatomy and physiology class. He belonged to an order who declared a vow of poverty. He always had holes on his pants and his shirts, and his shoes were worn until the sole fell apart. He was from Spain and we had become his adoptive family. Despite his appearance the clarity of his soul peak through, and I was able to be touched by its richness. He taught me that they were so many things that a degree wasn't going to provide me, and that I needed to stay grounded so I did what was right despite the sacrifices and the circumstances. I learned from him that de-cluttering your life from the useless made room for the useful. I was only 19 when I met him and never forgot him.

On the other hand I had a nursing professor that was as challenging as could be. She taught the medical- surgical course part 1 and 2. She made the easiest things difficult. At times I felt like she was displacing her frustration at us, and we were paying for whoever hurt her before. I guess I was a psych nurse from the get go. :)  She gave me unnecessary stress, and that became my motivation to prove to her that I had what was necessary to become a great nurse. Trying to survive the extensive amount of reading from an English nursing book, I developed a discipline of study that has helped throughout my life, and developed coping skills that at times surprise me, and I have to thank Ms. Maldonado for that.

During my psych rotation I met another nursing professor - Ms. Montalvo - who was as calm as a summer breeze, even in the worse circumstances. She was a quiet woman, but her behavior spoke loud and clear. From her I learned to trust my instincts and abilities, not to second guessed what I thought was right and to learn to stand by my beliefs. She told me once..."you are a natural...you should consider a career in mental health." I am glad she help me find my true calling, by teaching me the beauty of working with these population even in the worse circumstances. 

One time I was talking to my friend Sylvia, and she said: "what's the point of passing by if you don't leave a mark?" ...and she was absolutely right. I constantly ask myself: what is the mark that I am leaving? ...in my children? ...in my work? ...in my community? ...in my personal life? How will people remember when I am not around?

I just hope that I am leaving a positive mark. I love others to remember me by my love for life, my positive attitude, my love for education, and my idea that there is good in all humans. Also by my belief that nothing comes easy, but the most difficult things in life are the most rewarding ones, that you can't stop giving because others think  your gift isn't good enough, that it's worth fighting for your dreams because they do come true, that you have to love yourself to believe that you deserve goodness and lastly by my faith and how I honor the Superior Being because without Him nothing is possible....

During our mass the priest read a quote from St. Francis of Assisi that said "Preach the gospel at all times and when necessary use words."

Let's lead by example, as our behavior is louder than our words. We may never know the extent of the souls we touched,  and the impact we may unraveled  with our actions, but the effort its worth it. Let's do what's right and pretty soon you will realize that others will follow.  

Sunday, April 6, 2014

Menopause

This morning my daughter walked into my bedroom and horrified she asked: "did you go to bed like that?" I immediately responded, 'oh no, never, I just put this on because it was too cold". BS...I had to lie. I had broken my own bedroom rules. I had gone to bed in flannel pajamas-and they didn't even match-, those you wear when you want to kill the passion in the bedroom or scare your partner shitless so he wouldn't dare to touch all night. Before this hit me, I used to go to bed just like if someone was waiting for me...but not lately.

I have been behaving different and I think it's because MENOPAUSE  is trying to peak into my life. Its coming in like thief in the middle of the night...uninvited and unwelcome.

The first sign was a very late period, that it could have been confused with a "pregnancy scare", but my sex life is actually more scary than a late period. So nothing to worry about. There is only one Virgin Mary.

Also, I have these emotional roller coasters, that are freaking me out. Some days I cry because the wind is blowing north instead of south, others I get angry at the thought that something bad may happen, but since it hasn't happened I feel like crying because of that too. I have a job in which I am expected to go into my office with my "A" game, but some days I feel like I should go into my colleague's office for a therapy session between my sessions. Hopefully my colleague isn't in menopause too. 

I am so exhausted most of the time that I end up going to bed at 9:30pm, or even at 7:30pm like a true senior citizen. Some days I make coffee to stay awake longer and fall asleep before I could drink it, and when I drink it, doesn't work. At times it feels like the coffee grounds I buy contain Ambien instead of caffeine. What's going on? That used to be an infallible method. 

Last week as I was getting ready to go to work and I felt so hot, and not the hotness that makes you feel divalicious, but the one in which your body temperature rises like if you were at the end of a hot yoga session. I left to work without a coat and it didn't bothered me until I got out of the car to go in the office. It was 35 degrees. By that time the hotness didn't feel so hot anymore, and of course I wanted to cry because of that. 

I have to interview the women in my family to see how long this lasts. Maybe they have a secret, I never saw them struggling...maybe they faked it. They always looked so good, and so happy, and their husbands were happy, or maybe they were afraid of the so call menopausal rage.

In a serious note, this is a normal life process and I am trying to make the journey as enjoyable as possible. Bear with me if I behave out of character as I now have something to blame. :)